Let Go of Being a Control Freak!!

Defining What It Means to Be a Control Freak

Hello… my name is Jille Bartolome, and I am a Control Freak. I have been recovered now for 23 years. I say recovered because I am no longer making myself responsible for everyone else and everything else.

What do I mean by a control freak? A control freak is someone who tries to control other people to do what they want them to do. This type of person often feels a strong need to manage situations, people, or outcomes to avoid uncertainty, anxiety, or a lack of control. A person who believes that because they think they know what to do, it must be the best thing to do. Someone who walks around with their hands on their hips, pointing at people and things. This is the person who tells you what you should do, need to do, ought to do, and thinks you are stupid for not doing it. I, unfortunately, can relate to this more than I care to admit.

I am sad to say that this state of mind comes from fear. I will give you an example: There was a time in my life when I was very out of control. This fear of losing control can stem from past trauma, unpredictability, or personal insecurities that create the need for stability...even if it’s at the expense of others. My parents were divorced, my mom was very ill, and we were living hand to mouth. I had more than one job at the age of 12. I was literally out of control of my circumstances. There were other times in my life when I was out of control as well, and for the sake of keeping this light, we will skip the details, but I have suffered tremendous losses over the course of my life, and that certainly counts for being out of control.

When we as human beings find a sense of control in our lives after experiencing that much out of control, it is a very scary thought to lose that sense of control again. So, we do everything we can to hold on to it, including becoming a control freak.

How Letting Go of Control Leads to Emotional Freedom and Happiness

This is how I got to be a control freak. But there are other ways as well, such as modeling your parents' behavior, a propensity to be a leader that is not nurtured, to name a few.

Once we recognize that we have, in fact, become a control freak, it is important to let it go. It is a toxic state of mind that can really have a negative impact on your ability to be authentically happy.
When you are in control of everyone and everything, you hold the weight of the world. You are responsible for your own happiness and the happiness of everyone you are trying to control. This puts an incredible amount of pressure on you.

In addition, people who are control freaks tend to attract people around them who need to be controlled, further perpetuating the cycle. Control freaks rob the people around them of their ability to thrive and think for themselves. This dynamic can create unhealthy relationships, where the controlled party feels powerless, and the control freak feels justified in their actions, all while both individuals remain stuck.

Practical Steps to Let Go of Control and Reduce Anxiety

So, what can a control freak do to only control the things they can control?

Well, that is exactly it. For me, even though I have never been in a 12-step program, I used the Serenity Prayer as a mantra every day for years.

If you are not familiar with it—and even if you are—here it is:

"Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Reciting this prayer can help to center your thoughts and ease the pressure you feel to control everything. The focus is surrendering to the flow of life rather than forcing outcomes. As a coach, I believe that coachable people are whole and resourceful, and that awareness is the key to making better decisions. So, now that you are aware of what being a control freak means, what it is, how you got that way, how it affects your life and the people around you, what are you going to do about it? It is in your control to be more peaceful. Understanding which stage of awareness, you're in can help you recognize your control patterns and choose more empowering responses. 

Ask yourself, what do I truly have control over? What do I need to let go of controlling? Am I willing to let it go? Don’t let fear guide you; let the promise of a more fulfilling, more purposeful, more peaceful life be your guide. Learning to let go of control often means stepping outside your comfort zone, but that's exactly where growth begins.

With Love,
Jille